(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)
(GOAT BLEATS)
-How's it looking? -JAMES: Oh, it's not bad.
Nasty thing, though, foot-rot.
Still. I'll give you some ointment. That'll clear it up.
So, um,
I've got to... Uh...
Well, you'll have to apply it yourself, yes.
Sorry, Bernard.
Right.
You hold on to her. I'll put on the ointment, you can see how it's done.
Oh...
Oh. Still doing your famous Roy Rogers impersonation then?
Right, it's been a godsend, this notion.
I never wear it, but what I think of you, Mr Herriot.
Best farming tip I ever had.
It's a terrible handicap, having sensitive nostrils.
Yes. Yes, I'm sure it is.
Right. Let's get on with it, shall we?
-Are you all right? -Aye.
Good.
-Hello, Miss Wain. -Oh...
That ewe will be up and off if you don't get a decent grip on her, Bernard!
We're managing, Miss Wain.
WAIN: What is it, then? Foul?
Aye, it's foot-rot, all right.
Bernard, if you could just look down and see what I'm doing.
He's wastin' your time and our money!
Anybody could have seen to that.
Except our Bernard.
Well...
It wasn't exactly a straightforward case, you know?
-No? -Oh, no.
Any number of complications could have set in.
Under-running, for example.
Oh.
Well, he wouldn't have known what that was either. Would he?
He's useless!
Ah!
Wonderful things, antibiotics, aren't they?
Oh! It's a miracle, Mr Farnon. She's well.
It's a transformation. She's a new dog!
I shouldn't say miracle, 'cause I'm not a churchgoer.
I believe in God with an extra O.
Good. There's such a thing as providence.
A pattern somewhere. You can see it.
-Oh, she does seem... -It's as if there was a force somewhere that said,
"This creature is important." Which she is to me.
"She shall not die."
Oh, I really can't thank you enough. It's wonderful.
Yes. You're a good girl, aren't you?
And quite sound again.
I've no idea.
But she's well. You can see the distemper's quite gone.
Mrs Davey, would you come and sit down here for a moment?
-Come on, April. -(WHINING)
-Come on... -And, uh...
Listen.
-Oh, yes, I like our little talks. -Yeah.
Well, now, what I've done... What we have achieved
is to get rid of the secondary bacterial infection.
-Bacteria, yes. I remember. -Uh-huh.
But the virus, the real threat to life is still there under the surface.
Hidden from our eyes, but still active in all probability.
That's how it is with distemper.
I'll put my faith in providence.
And you, Mr Farnon.
Between the two of you, it'll be all right.
But there may yet be a setback. That's what I'm saying, Mrs Davey.
But all dogs don't die of distemper.
-You said so, yourself. -No, not all, but a great many do.
Now, where are we? We're just a month in.
You see that's, that's the most critical period.
So, if she starts to, uh,
to twitch or seem nervous in any way, do you remember?
Yes, but, she hasn't.
And she won't.
If she seems to you to be ill at all, you won't hesitate to call me, will you?
No, I won't. You know that.
Right.
So then, we'll just
trust to luck, Mrs Davey. Do you see...
Not luck, Mr Farnon.
Providence.
MRS DAVEY: Come on.
-Right, then Mrs Davey... -Goodbye, Mr Farnon.
Goodbye, Mrs Davey. Goodbye.
Now then... Next, please.
Do you wish to see a vet, sir?
Or are you here solely that one may admire your extraordinary suit?
(HEAVY NORTHERN ACCENT) Sanitary Inspector. We have reason to believe
that these premises have become infested.
Infested! Who?
By what?
-(CHUCKLING) By me. -Stewie Brannan!
(CHUCKLING) By all that's...
My dear man, how very, very wonderful!
Oh, it was a stupid prank, but worth it just to hear that tone in your voice.
Profound apologies, Stewie, but really, your suit...
I apologise for it myself, sometimes.
Second-hand, I'm afraid. But, uh, it is my best.
-Handsome! -(CHUCKLES)
-Handsome. -I'll tell you what we'll do.
-Oh... -We'll get Mrs Alton to make us a cup of tea.
-What do you say to that? -Oh, Mrs Alton. Yes, I remember you saying.
The touch of genius with the kettle and pot.
Pure nectar. You'll see.
So, what is it, Stewie, that brings you to our neck of the woods this time?
Well, I, uh, I was just on my way back from London and, uh...
-London? -Yeah.
It's Tristan, isn't it? That's why you're here.
-Is he all right? What's he been up to? -Tristan?
No idea. I was at the conference there.
Oh, um... Professional conduct and ethical considerations.
-(CHUCKLES) Yes. That's right. -You're a braver man than I am, Stewie.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, they, um... They asked me to speak. Do you see?
-Did they really? -Mmm-hmm.
Well, I must hear about that.
Ah! Mrs Alton.
-I have with me my good friend Mr Brannan and we require... -(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Tea? Possibility?
-So sorry, Stewie, you know what it's like. -Oh, yes.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
Ah, Mr Smethwick!
Oh, has he?
FARNON: I'll be right there, straight away. Bye.
No, uh, no tea, I'm afraid. I've got to put some stitches in a ram. Do you want to come?
Oh, yes. I'd love to.
-One more for lunch? -Oh, well. Thank you.
One more for lunch, Mrs Alton. If that's not too much of a burden?
Um, Stewie...
Um... Mrs Alton, Mr Brannan.
-(CHUCKLING) How do you do? -How do you do?
Oh, it's a lovely day, isn't it?
The Lord's own.
What? Oh, yes, yes. I suppose it is.
Well, um, it's, uh, it's very good of you to, um...
-FARNON: Stewie! -Yes, yes, I'm coming, coming. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, see you later... Bye.
FARNON: So, Stewie, I'm curious.
-What did you actually say at the conference? -Oh, this and that.
It was quite well received, anyway.
In fact, Professor Norton was good enough to say
it was like a breath of fresh air.
-Norton? Not E A Norton? -Mmm.
-Good grief! Is he still going? -Oh, absolutely.
So you actually managed to have a few words with the great man himself, did you?
Yeah.
(BLEATING)
MAN: He's a law unto himself is Bertie.
He knows me and Jim are perhaps best left to ourselves.
That's what I thought. Come on, Jim. Let's fetch him back.
Right then, Stewie, get working on the beak.
Right. Here we go.
(GROANS) Oops.
Do you know, I was reading one of Norton's papers the other day.
-Mmm-hmm... -What an astonishing thirst for knowledge.
Hmm?
Mmm.
-Did you get on all right with him? -Oh, famously.
He, uh...
He mentioned he was coming up to Yorkshire soon
for some seminar on livestock and, uh...
I was rather drunk
and I invited him for dinner. To stay the night, as a matter of fact.
Did he accept?
Oh, yeah.
Unfortunately.
Unfortunately?
Mmm-hmm. He was sober.
You see, Meg's away with the children just now, you see?
It might be a bit tricky. I wouldn't say I was ashamed of my cooking.
Or of the house itself or...
Not exactly, but...
Professor Norton might be in for something of a shock, you felt?
Yes.
I seem to recall
I specified black tie.
(CHUCKLES)
I may have given him the wrong impression.
I can see that it might.
(CHUCKLES)
-All right? -Mmm-hmm.
-I'll hold this. -Okay.
Here they come.
MAN: Come on. Come on.
-Right, open up! -FARNON: Okay!
They all comin' to you! Go for it, Stewie!
-(SCREAMING) -Come here, you brute!
(CLAMOURING)
Good move, Stewie. Are you all right?
-MAN: Is he hurt? -I'm fine.
When you finish stitching Bertie up,
you'll have to look at my jacket, eh?
(CHUCKLES)
I've been out of practice, I'm afraid.
We don't have very many horned beasties in the city.
-(CHUCKLES) -Anyway, it was an heroic feat, Stewie.
-And at some considerable sartorial expense. -No, I wouldn't say that.
Oh, Mrs Alton would. She's working on your jacket right now.
Well, if she can sew as well as she can cook,
it'll be better than new.
Oh, that chutney is home-made, I suppose?
-Yeah. Mrs Alton's best. -(CHUCKLES)
-Oh, I simply can't... -(TEARING)
Oh, not again. I'm terribly sorry, Siegfried.
-Well... -It's my jacket, actually.
I simply grabbed the first one that came to hand. I'm sorry, James.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, James.
-It doesn't matter, Stewie. -Not a, not a favourite, I hope?
Well...
-Chutney? -Oh, not now. I can't be bothered.
(HICCUPS)
That meal was absolutely delicious.
And here is she we have to thank for it.
A feast for the gods, Mrs Alton.
I've done what I can and sponged it down.
Oh. That's wonderful.
And this lunch was first rate.
(CHUCKLING) You're a marvel!
And I suppose the most incredible pudding. Hmm?
Something spongy I hope? Hmm? Yum-yum, cat's bum.
(CHUCKLING)
-(TELEPHONE RINGS) -Ah!
I'll get it. With any luck it'll be a calving. Miles away.
Something I said?
No, not what you said, Stewie.
It was when your hand, um...
Well, it came in contact with an area of Mrs Alton
that for a great many years has felt nothing more untoward than a bus seat.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes... I'm sorry.
Let's just hope it hasn't interfered with her culinary expertise.
Yes, yes. So do I. You see, one of the reasons I came here today, Siegfried.
Was to ask as a favour if I could have the use
of Skeldale and Mrs Alton for my dinner party.
I didn't know how I was going to ask.
Well, after being of some use earlier, and spoiling my best suit and everything...
There's no need to elaborate...
Then I wanted you to make up the numbers yourself, Siegfried.
-(STUTTERING) On the big night... -Did you?
That is if you have two dress suits that is.
You see, I had to hire one of them.
Do you happen to have a couple of dress suits?
-An old one, perhaps? -Yes.
Oh! That would work out wonderfully well.
What is for pudding by the way? Hmm?
HELEN: James!
-James... -What?
-Here. -Oh, sorry.
Don't know if I'm coming or going this morning.
I'll let you off. If next time you see Mr Smethwick,
-you order one of his chickens for Saturday week? -Uh, yes.
Yes, right. No wallet.
Saturday, the 15th.
They are the best. That's what we want, isn't it?
Yes. I suppose so.
Well, you know? All things considered, I mean.
Need some petrol when I get to Hargrove.
Yes, of course, darling. The best. Right, bye.
Goodbye, James.
(SIGHS)
A little discussion? I see.
A little discussion about what, Mr Farnon?
Do you know, I think it's fairly safe to say, Mrs. Alton,
that Mr Brannan is one of my oldest friends.
-Is he? -Yes, he honestly is the most tremendous chap.
I can't begin to tell you what a good salt he is.
Hard-working and generous...
And impulsive, I grant you that. He is impulsive.
I just hope that yesterday's unfortunate little incident
hasn't irrevocably coloured your attitude towards him.
I'm sorry, Mr Farnon, and what incident is that?
Well, when he...
He had no intention...
Your, um...
I'm sorry, Mr Farnon, I don't understand what you're referring to.
Don't you?
Well, onwards... Uh...
He's the most tremendous chap.
And he rather needs a favour from us.
Well, from you, in fact.
-From me? -Yes, we're all of us rather hoping
that you'd be able to help out with a...
With a rather important dinner party, next Saturday week.
Mr Brannan and I have a very special guest, you see?
A dinner party,
on a Saturday, for Mr Brannan?
Yes.
(SIGHING) Well...
I don't shirk my work, Mr Farnon.
And I do what I must do. You know that.
Ah, indeed I do, Mrs Alton, indeed.
But I have to tell you that I have been feeling a bit tired just lately.
Oh, lord. I'm sorry.
Not been myself at all.
And every now and then my work suffers.
Well, it's bound to!
Take this pastry now.
It's not going to be as good as it might. I can tell that already.
Can you?
And now you're speaking of a dinner party at the end of a long week.
Well, I may not be at my best.
Still, I'm sure you won't mind?
(BLEATING)
JAMES: I'll deal with the stitches next time.
MAN: Thanks, Mr Herriot. I appreciate it.
JAMES: Pleasure.
-Oh, while I've got you, Mr Herriot... -Yes?
I've, uh... I've a cow you might look at for me.
-If you've got the time? -Yes, of course.
And, while I've got you, Mr. Smethwick,
my wife said, "Could you do us a decent bird for Saturday?"
-Eh? -Please.
Oh... Aye... Right.
Fair do's, Mr Herriot, eh? Fair do's.
Thank you.
Right! First come, first served. Mr Turpin.
One moment.
Mrs Davey?
Would you come in, please?
I'm sorry, Mr Turpin. I shan't be a moment.
No April?
She's gone.
I'm so sorry. Wouldn't you like to sit down, Mrs Davey?
I just wanted to see you to tell you like...
She was...
She was twitching in her sleep.
She was all frightened and funny.
Then she had a kind of fit.
I know it's small comfort to you now, Mrs Davey,
but I may say that
April was fortunate.
The last stages of distemper can take much, much longer.
I buried her meself, in the garden.
There were nobody I could ask.
That's funny...
I'm sorry it happened like this.
But, you know, the odds were against us from the beginning.
I still don't believe it. It's not right.
How could nature be so cruel as to give us such false hopes?
There's no sentiment in nature.
But it just can't happen like that.
Perhaps you forgot something.
I don't know. There must've been something that could have saved her.
I promise you, Mrs Davey, I did everything I possibly could.
I didn't want her to die either.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I know you did your best, really I do.
We've enjoyed comin' here.
It was nice to talk to somebody.
I hope I'll see lots more of you, Mrs Davey. Professionally.
-Do you see what I mean? -No... I'm sorry.
Well, you know, sometimes providence needs a great big push
to start her off in the right direction.
I think you should get yourself another dog.
(GASPS)
Oh, no, I couldn't!
Well, think about it.
(DOG BARKING)
(MOOING)
JAMES: Well, they're not right, are they?
-It's definitely some kind of digestive problem. -What?
-Tummy upset, Bernard. -Tummy, aye.
You haven't changed their feed recently, have you?
They get what you recommended us earlier. I asked you most particularly.
Well, it's not the feed then.
You haven't got anything poisonous around here, have you?
-Anything they could get at? -No.
I think I can swear to that.
What's this?
-Linseed porridge? -BERNARD: Aye. That's right.
Have they had any today?
No, they're right off their feed.
I thought I might tempt them. But, they wouldn't take ought.
Is it fresh?
Aye. I made it up meself.
Yes, of course, but when?
-Last night. -Oh...
-Well, it's yesterday's, then. -No...
It's for today.
BERNARD: Well, I've had a lot on recently.
I make it up last thing at night, then there's less to do in the morning.
Well, don't!
(COW MOOS)
Be much better for your calves, Bernard, if you stop feeding them on prussic acid.
-Prussic acid? -When that's left overnight, it forms prussic acid.
You don't want to be known as a poisoner, do you?
Useless.
Well, no, there hasn't been that much damage done.
I'll leave them a drench.
They'll be as right as rain in a couple of days.
Diet is a very tricky business, Miss Wain.
It's the sort of thing, uh...
It could happen to anyone.
And it happened to our Bernard!
MRS WAIN: Well, it would wouldn't it?
Is there any chance of fish and chips getting this prussic acid?
'Cause our Bernard takes that long to cycle back from Darrowby.
No, Miss Wain, no chance at all.
# La-la-la, Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
# La-la-dee-da-dum
MRS ALTON: # La-la-la-la-la #
All right?
-Hello, James. -TRISTAN: Siegfried.
You were the last, weren't you?
Shut the outside door as you go, would you?
There's a good man.
-James? -Mmm-hmm?
-You are a godsend. -What?
-You're a godsend. -Am I?
Absolutely.
I've had an endless surgery
and the professor's train is due in 15 minutes.
I'm due at Rowengaf in 10. Sorry, Siegfried.
James, I really am very, very pressed for time.
I've simply got to get changed.
Uh, Stewie's coming up the moment his locum arrives.
Uh, can I... Can I borrow that?
(SIGHS) Thank you.
-And he's asked if we will... -Siegfried, this is typical of Stewie!
He's an absolute wrecker.
Not still brooding about the jacket, are you, James?
What on Earth's an article of clothing between friends.
All right, all right.
How will I recognise him, Siegfried?
He'll be the only neatly dressed passenger with a moustache
and a suitcase, and an air of minor royalty.
Oh, splendid.
Well, if I'm late home, Siegfried, I'm going to blame you, okay?
Why don't you, James? You always do.
-And as soon as I'm back, I'm off again. -Of course.
-Right.
-Goodbye. -Bye, James.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Come in, if you must!
TRISTAN: It really is rather...
-Mrs Davey. -Good evening, Mr Farnon. Am I too late?
Of course you're not late at all, Mrs Davey.
This is... This is May.
So I see.
What you said, it gave me food for thought.
It's very quick, I know.
Absolutely the way to do it.
(ENGINE TURNS ON IN DISTANCE)
You're a very wise man, Mr Farnon.
Yeah.
Sometimes.
Hey, jump.
(GATE CREAKING)
(STEAM TRAIN APPROACHING)
(WHISTLING)
(TRAIN RELEASING STEAM)
(STATION MASTER WHISTLING)
(TRAIN WHISTLING)
(RAIL ENGINE STARTING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Professor Norton?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr Farnon, I presume.
-Uh, no, I'm James Herriot, actually. -Oh.
I'm one of the partners in the practice.
Splendid. Very good of you to come and meet me.
It's a pleasure, Professor.
I took the opportunity to make a few notes on the train.
It is my custom to keep a modest record of my travels.
One is asked to speak on so very many occasions, you know.
I like, if I may be allowed to use the expression,
I like to keep my ammunition pouch bulging.
(CHUCKLES)
Ah, fascinating, fascinating.
You know, coming back to the Dales, one has the distinct sensation
that one has travelled back a little in time.
By that, I don't mean a period measured in centuries,
no, just a decade or two. That is my impression, at all events.
Oh, that smell!
And look, what a pie!
It's turning out quite well even if there's no one here to eat it.
Uh, very soon will be, Mrs Alton, don't you worry about that.
I'm going to a lot of bother tonight.
I know that indeed, Mrs Alton. Indeed I do.
-(DOORBELL RINGS) -There's somebody now.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I had a puncture.
Oh, it's all right, he's not here yet.
-James has stepped in to the breach. -Oh, good.
-Uh, here's yours. -Oh, right. Great. Okay.
Now, uh, I must go and pacify Mrs Alton.
-She's a bit tense. -Oh, who isn't?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-Uh, Stewie... -What?
(STAMMERS) Would you change in there? Do you mind?
No, no, no. Of course not.
Oh!
Ah, you're there. Well done. In the nick of time, eh?
It all worked out absolutely perfectly.
Now then, how about a drink?
(COUGHS) Just a little one perhaps.
I must say, you do yourself proud, Siegfried,
if this is your second best dress suit.
Oh, one likes to do reasonably well...
-It isn't. -What?
-This is my second best suit. -Oh, my...
I'm so confoundedly used to it.
-Look, Stewie, would you mind if we... -No, dear, no.
-(TELEPHONE RINGS) -Oh. Oh, for heaven's sake.
Darrowby 385. Yes, it is.
Oh, has she?
Can you see anything?
Oh, all right. I'll be with you straight away.
It's our friend, Smethwick. One of his cows has started to calf.
-She's making very heavy weather of it. -Oh, can I help?
Yes, it's more than likely. I've sweated blood over this animal.
Damned if I'm gonna let her perish under my eye now.
-Come on, let's go then. -Uh, yes. Just one second.
Mrs Alton, uh, emergency.
Would you be kind and tell Mr Herriot that Mr Brannan and I
are attending to Mr Smethwick's cow.
We hope it won't be for too long but meanwhile
he'll have to hold the fort here till we get back.
All right, thank you so much.
(STAMMERS) I'm sorry about this, Siegfried. But should we change?
No, no, no, time is of the essence, Stewie.
I don't believe it!
SIEGFRIED: I've no concern about my sense of priorities, Stewie.
My only worry is that you are sitting beside me
wearing my extremely expensive dress suit...
PROFESSOR NORTON: On waking, I should at once be cognisant of where I was...
-It is of the utmost importance when dressing... -Here we are.
Gentian violet, the traditional and, one might even say,
the historic treatment, it is even now, not to be sneezed at.
-Hello! -Although the chloride preparations
may prove very efficacious and can indeed work
their wonders in a shorter time.
Mmm, what a very pleasant house this is.
-I always think that houses of this period... -Where are they?
They've been called out to a cow.
Mr Farnon said that you were to hold the fort, Mr Herriot.
-Those were his words. -Were they?
-Hold the fort! -Sorry.
Professor Norton, this is Mrs Alton, our housekeeper.
-Mrs Alton. -Good evening, sir.
I'll show you to your room, if you care to follow me.
Thank you, Mrs Alton.
It will only take me a few minutes to change.
-I look forward to resuming our conversation. -Yes.
-Oh, allow me. -Thank you, sir.
My pleasure, Mrs Alton.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
-Hello? -Helen, darling, it's me.
James! Don't tell me, you're late but you're on your way.
No, no, I'm still at Skeldale.
Look, there wasn't anything I could do.
Stewie and Siegfried are out on a call and I'm stuck here with Professor Norton.
What?
No, that's fine, James. You go ahead, have a large one on me.
No, I won't wait a minute, James. I'm sick of waiting!
-Tonight... -Helen, if you want to blame anybody...
Blame Siegfried!
PROFESSOR NORTON: A hot water bottle, Mrs Alton?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(COW GRUNTING)
Yes. Well, I'm afraid she's not getting on at all well, Mr Smethwick.
She's been straining like that for a long time, Mr Farnon.
Yeah, I think she's going to encounter considerable difficulty calving it.
Poor old beggar. She were weak to start with.
(COW GRUNTING)
Oversize foetus.
What do you think? A caesarean?
(COW GRUNTING)
It'd take a fairish while, Stewie.
Might be quickest in the long run.
More chance of a successful result, too.
Yes, yes, of course.
After the roseola stage, the papular stage gave no special cause for anxiety.
But when we reached the vesicular stage,
I was absolutely dumbfounded with what we saw!
Were you?
The vesicles were enormous, quite beyond belief!
Were they?
(COW GRUNTING)
-Could you raise the bottle up a bit? -Thank you.
(SIGHS) All right...
All right, Stewie, help me to exteriorise the uterus, would you?
-Stewie? -Yes?
-My trousers. -(LAUGHS) I'll be careful.
There's one.
And there's the other.
-That's it. Press it. -It's coming.
Right, Stewie, thank you. That's enough.
Just stand back now.
Here we go.
We should be able to haul him out, Mr Smethwick, with a bit of luck.
Stewie, go for the head, will you? (GRUNTS)
Help me get up inside her.
-(GRUNTING) Right. Okay. -Nose down, I want that.
It's coming.
-There he goes. -There we are. There we are.
Help me pull at it.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Come on, boy. Come on.
(COW MOOING)
There we go. That's it.
Now, that's fine, you're holding on.
It's a grand job.
Now you got a fine little bull calf, Mr Smethwick.
All right, she's all right. You can drop the bottle now.
Ah!
What?
Oh, I'm sorry, Siegfried.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
Hi, Bernard.
(PEOPLE CHATTING)
-Got your supper, I see. -Yeah, well, I just...
Excuse me.
Bank robber, eh?
You can do all the talking you want, at the station!
BERNARD: You see, it's me nostrils...
(MOOING)
Yeah, yeah.
Whoa!
-Are you all right, Mr Farnon? -Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Just a little weak.
-Oh... -You'll be wanting some refreshment then?
Oh, I'd say.
No, no, no, no, we haven't really got time.
You just wait there, Mr Farnon. I've got just the thing.
Well, I suppose a quick wee dram wouldn't go amiss.
-Would it, Stewie? -Aye.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
I wonder how much longer our friends will be.
My stomach is beginning to make demands on me.
Ah!
-Mrs Alton! -Oh, you're very kind...
No, my students are an unattractive lot.
Unruly, rowdy...
Promiscuous.
Well, every generation thinks badly of the next, doesn't it?
Uh...
Mrs Alton, I'm afraid your dinner's going to have to be staggered a bit.
Well, heaven only knows when the others are going to get back.
Our guest here is absolutely famished and I really must be on my way.
The food is more than ready for you at any time, Professor.
Thank you, Mrs Alton, thank you.
It's plain cooking, but I think you'll find it acceptable.
Good, good.
I see that Mr Brannan remembered to tell you of my little peculiarities.
Well, it was Mr Farnon, as a matter of fact.
Now, there's a thick vegetable soup to start with.
Then a steak and kidney pie with a selection of vegetables,
and my own fruit preserve to follow with cream.
Oh, no. No, no, no, Mrs Alton.
Since 1933,
I've been on a strict regime
in consequence of my blood pressure.
I will take no soup.
A morsel or two of steak.
No kidney,
no pastry,
perhaps one green vegetable,
and a slice of dry bread.
Those are my requirements.
And no pudding, whatsoever!
You know, I begin to feel disappointed with Mr Brannan.
NORTON: We had a thorough discussion of my dietary needs at the conference.
-(TELEPHONE RINGS) -JAMES: Yes. Oh! Will you excuse me?
-Indeed I remember going into the subject in some depth. -Uh-huh.
As far as I could tell, he was listening sympathetically.
Darrowby 385.
-I can only think that he was... -Police Constable Hicks?
Yes?
Oh, yes. Bernard Wain is a client of ours.
Pardon?
You've arrested him?
HICKS: He says you can vouch for him.
I found him skulking outside the fish and chip shop.
Wearing a face-mask.
(CHUCKLING) Well...
His explanation sounded pretty thin to me, so I, uh...
Oh?
Oh, quite normal, you say?
Quite normal for Mr Wain.
(SIGHING) Well.
If you say so, Mr Herriot.
Now I've got him it's going to take some paperwork to get rid of him.
I shall need an official identification, Mr Herriot.
(COW MOOING)
Potato bread?
Ah, yes.
It's...
(GULPING) It hits the spot, Siegfried. I can tell you.
SMETHWICK: Fresh today.
My wife got the recipe from her cousin.
This is the first batch she ever made.
-Uh-huh. -Is it?
It's, um, warm and soggy.
-Is that quite right? -(CHUCKLES)
BRANNAN: Mmm, yes it is.
(CHUCKLING) I could eat it all night.
But of course.
Just don't forget, Stewie, we've got a very important engagement.
Quite. Mmm.
Oh, I'd say.
Bread and water. It is the very best thing in the world, isn't it?
(BRANNAN CHUCKLING) Cheers!
SMETHWICK: Goodnight.
-Goodnight, Mr Smethwick. -Goodnight now.
(SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
We're going to have to drive like Donald Campbell to get back to Skeldale now.
-What, for dinner? -For dinner, yes.
-And for the professor. -Oh, the profe...
And for Mrs Alton.
To say nothing of two evening suits
that desperately need cleaning.
I mean to say, Stewie, honestly, yours,
is in such a frightful mess.
Stewie?
-Stewie, where are you? -(STEWIE GROANS)
The most extraordinary stomach cramp.
Oh!
Strewth, that was painful.
(CHUCKLING) It's too much of that half-cooked potato bread.
-You had your fair share. -(CHUCKLES)
Now then, uh, the car keys...
(STOMACH RUMBLES)
(GROANING) Oh! Good grief!
(CHUCKLES) Yes, I know.
Ow!
It can't last, can it?
No, no, surely not.
-Ah! -(HORN HONKING)
Watch yourself with that handkerchief trick, Mr Wain!
Next time, you may not be so lucky.
Goodnight, Officer.
Sorry about this, Mr Herriot.
It's all right, Bernard. It's one of those things.
I'll have to go back for me bike.
I never did get those fish and chips.
All right. I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll run you home via the chip shop.
-You can put your bike in the back. -Oh, that'd do it, Mr Herriot.
I wouldn't want her to think I'm a desperate character.
No.
-We'll have to say something. -(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
I had to beg for this dinner.
(WHISPERING) Now what we need to do is get to the bismuth
and we'll be all right.
-I hope it works, because all I can say... -Shh!
-Ow! -(CLANGING)
Oh, Stewie!
-Hello? -(CLOCK TICKING)
Hello?
Ah, Mr Brannan.
(BRANNAN BURPS LOUDLY)
And Mr Farnon, I presume.
Ah, Professor... Ahhh!
(CAR DOOR CLOSING IN THE DISTANCE)
Hello.
Helen, I'm terribly sorry, we...
Dinner, James?
Or shall we wait a few more minutes and have it for breakfast?
It won't be quite the same though, will it tomorrow?
Because it won't be our anniversary tomorrow, will it?
(SLURPING)
Tell me, Mr Farnon,
have you encountered many cases of equine pleurisy in your practice?
Uh, um...
(STOMACH GROWLING)
Plenty.
And the car stinking to high heaven of fish and chips.
(CHUCKLING) I mean, Bernard Wain is a desperate character.
The candles are very romantic.
It is ruined, James. It is just a sloppy mess.
No, no, darling, it's not bad at all. It's wonderfully, er...
Tender.
Mr Herriot is a taciturn sort of chap.
Not exactly what you call a conversationalist.
-(BRANNAN BELCHES) -NORTON: What is the matter?
MRS ALTON: Oh, well...
Here you are.
I've been keeping them hot in the oven for you.
I wouldn't disown the pie, but it's not what it was.
Still, since the professor could only peck at his food, there's all the more for you.
(WRETCHING)
(BRANNAN BELCHES)
Mrs Alton, I think perhaps I should try to explain...
(BELCHES)
Well, that does it!
That just about does it!
What a waste of my time!
I'm away to my bed!
You and your silly friends!
BRANNAN: Well, don't worry, Professor.
One of these days,
you'll look back on this
and you'll... (BELCH)
You'll laugh.
(GROANS)
-Stay and finish the wine. -No. I'm going to bed.
-Oh, please. -No!
I'll do the washing-up. That's one thing less to worry about.
I suppose that'll have to do.
It's not the best anniversary present I've ever had, but still.
Helen?
-I'm sorry and I love you. -No! It's not good enough, James.
I know it isn't,
but I still love you.
Oh... James!
I love you, too.
Why don't you leave the washing up until tomorrow?